


Butterflies

by KaiBlueOtaku



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Asexual Character, Background Poly, Boundaries, Canonical Character Death, Character Death Fix, Consent, Coping, Drunken Confessions, Gay, Grief/Mourning, Healthy Relationships, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Near Death Experiences, No Sex, No Smut, Nobody is Dead, Not Really Character Death, Platonic Cuddling, Temporary Character Death, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:48:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26201416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaiBlueOtaku/pseuds/KaiBlueOtaku
Summary: Caleb grieves the loss of Mollymauk, trying to process feelings that were left unresolved when the tiefling abruptly died, and figure out how to move forward in life with a Mollymauk-shaped hole in his heart…But perhaps the circus man has one last encore left in him… After all, a life left with so many regrets is not much of a life at all, and they both deserve the chance to say all the things they left unsaid.
Relationships: Mollymauk Tealeaf & Caleb Widogast, Mollymauk Tealeaf/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 3
Kudos: 49





	Butterflies

**Author's Note:**

> Events taking place around the timeframe of campaign 2 Episode 31, “Commerce and Chaos”- some spoilers of course, but massive spoilers for campaign 2 episode 26, “Lost and Found” if you're not to that point yet… Storyline diverts to alternate timeline at this juncture.
> 
> TW for character death, grief processing, self- doubts

Caleb had second watch with Nott, who had dozed off by the fire. Caleb let her sleep; it had been a long day for them all. He stood to stretch his legs, stepping past a lightly rustling Caduceus Clay. He was an odd duck to be sure, but he was charming, in his own way. He would fit right in with their little collection of sideshow attractions… Their traveling circus.

A pang gripped Caleb’s heart as he remembered again that their ringleader, his dearest friend, Mollymauk Tealeaf, was gone. No one had known how close they were, right before the end, not even Nott.

What was it that Caduceus had said? “I made the earth remember him…” A strange turn of phrase, Caleb pondered to himself as he made his way to the edge of the firelight to take a piss. Had the earth forgotten Molly? Is that why he could not die before, because death had forgotten about him somehow? But how does such a thing even happen? He had come back to life before… Was he cursed, perhaps? Forced to walk the earth for all eternity, for some reason that Molly… Lucien… Nonnagon… Whoever he was… Did not even remember? What atrocity could a man commit- even a tiefling- that could warrant such a punishment?

Caleb could not begin to fathom.

He only knew that he missed his friend, dearly.

*****

When he awoke, the air was stifling. It was dark- darker than night, and he seemed to be wrapped in something. He struggled against whatever had him entrapped. This seemed… Eerily familiar, somehow.

After a great deal of kicking and shoving, the space began to grow somewhat, and he began to see light above him, through the filter of woven fabric. Thrashing free at last from his confinement, he gasped. The air was bitterly cold, and it hurt his lungs, almost as much as the brightness of the light hurt his eyes. He held a hand up to shield his vision.

Glancing about, he spotted a colorful coat hanging conveniently nearby. He pulled it on, thin though it was, but glad for any protection against the elements. The ground here was covered in a blanket of snow, and the biting cold of it chilled him to the bone.

He spotted a piece of paper on the ground, and picked it up. It was a card of some kind; it said “the moon,” and had a scene of night sky studded with stars, and a full moon shining brightly down. Again came that strange feeling of Dejavu.

There was no one around. He looked down where he stood, and saw some colored fabric in the ground beneath him. He crawled out of the hole and pulled the partially decomposed cloth out behind him, wrapping it around his shoulders for extra insulation.

He slipped the card into the pocket of his pants for safekeeping, and as he did so, his fingers encountered something; A piece of folded paper. He withdrew and unfolded it, reading the words scrawled on the page.

“Your name is Mollymauk Tealeaf. You are a member of the Mighty Nein. If you are reading this, it means you are alive. We have gone after Jester, Fjord, and Yasha. If we live still, you may contact us through The Gentleman, in Zadash. You are dearly missed, please come find us. Love, Caleb.”

Memories flickered and flashed through his mind vividly, the past several months relieved with brutally visceral clarity in an instant. Molly sank to his knees, the page falling from his hand onto the snow-dappled ground.

“I… I died,” he whispered, his voice cracking from lack of use. This had happened before. He remembered crawling out of a grave in the past, but that time was different… He'd had nothing that time to remind him who he was… No one who “missed him dearly,” as Caleb had written. He was alone with no memories, and so, he had to create himself from scratch. He'd found Gustav, Yasha, the circus, and they helped him. Gave him a home. Didn't ask too many questions. Welcomed him with open arms.

Until all the circus trouble happened, and he and Yasha parted ways with them and took up as members of the Mighty Nein.

He wondered if Yasha and the others were okay.

He shivered, picking up the note and tucking it back into the safety of his pocket, alongside the moon card. He pulled the dirt-caked platinum dragon tapestry up over his head like the hood of a shawl, and began to trudge through the snow. He didn't know where his friends might be, or even how much time might have passed, but he had a few ideas of how to get in contact with them.

*****

Zadash was a bustling metropolis, with a high cost of living; one which Molly now found to be far out of reach, as his purse had been cleaned out.

He couldn't blame his friends. There was no sense in burying several hundred gold with a supposed corpse, Molly reasoned to himself, even in spite of the hopeful note Caleb had left in his pocket.

Caleb... Molly felt a sharp twinge in his chest, more than just the scar from Lorenzo's glaive. He and the wizard had become rather close, in the weeks before his most recent death. They started to take night watches together, and spent a great deal of time talking. Caleb, Molly could tell, had his own secrets, held closer to him than his spell books... They never pressed one another though about their respective pasts, Molly understanding intimately what it meant to have a history that one didn't particularly want to remember. Caleb, for his part, was unconditionally accepting of Molly and his peculiarities, a quality which the lavender tiefling was unaccustomed to encountering. Even in the carnival, people would occasionally pass silent but noticeable judgment on him, but Molly never felt that way with Caleb. It was… Refreshing, perhaps? Reassuring. Comforting.

Molly teased Caleb a bit from time to time, but mostly because, as he realized he was developing feelings toward the wizard, he was entirely unsure how to broach the subject with him. Caleb seemed uninterested in anything but learning more magic. Molly thought that, maybe if he could just help Caleb to loosen up a little bit, he might be happier… He always seemed so sad, and it laid heavy on Molly's heart. He wanted to help his friend to smile, to feel unfettered by whatever darkness lay behind him, as Molly himself was.

Molly wasn't sure if Caleb was interested romantically or sexually in men, but Molly himself had no particular preference in that regard. There were other qualities that he looked for, than merely the manner of his partner's presentation or the configuration of their genitals…

At least, when Molly wasn't paying for the company.

Caleb embodied a great many of those other traits; He was kind, and intelligent, and attractive under all that filth, though Molly was fairly certain that Caleb wouldn't have thought so. He tended to discredit himself a lot though, Molly had noticed. Caleb didn't seem to think so much about himself, and Molly wondered if some of those secrets he was carrying were ones that negatively impacted his self-worth. Maybe he was so dirty all the time, because he was punishing himself for something? Molly wouldn't press him for answers, but he wanted to be there for him, to listen, if Caleb decided he needed to talk about any of it.

Mollymauk didn't even try to see directly if his friends might be staying at the Pillow Trove. Broke and dirty as he was, he knew he'd never get past the guards into the Tri-Spire district. They'd tried that once before, and failed spectacularly.

The Evening Nip, though… They would let him in there without a second glance. And that was where his contact was anyway.

He made his way to the dive bar, sitting at the counter for several minutes before Clive emerged from the kitchen. “Eh, you look a right mess, don't ya?” the scowling old dwarf commented bluntly.

“Ah, that i do, yes,” Molly acceded. “Being mostly dead for a while can do that to a person.” Clive eyed him curiously. “I could sure go for a drink right about now- being dead makes you awful thirsty, you know- but, it seems my friends liberated me of all my money before they had the kindness to put me in the ground… And, while I well and truly have no coin at the moment, I'd be willing to offer… Many gifts." The last bit was added with extra emphasis and weight.   
  
At hearing these words, Clive gave a grunt. “Some strange friends you've got there, eh?” He turned and walked back toward the kitchen.

“The strangest, definitely,” Molly chuckled in agreement as he followed Clive. “It puts me in good company though…”

The barkeep opened the trap door and waved Mollymauk down into the secret passageway leading to the real Evening Nip, and the domain of the Gentleman.

Coming through the jovial rabble to stand before the mahogany table, Molly piqued the Gentleman's attention. He waved Molly closer, righting himself in his chair as the tiefling neared him. “My, you usually look more well put together than this, as i recall, mister… Mollymauk, was it? Of the Mighty Nein?”

Molly nodded. “Yes indeed, sir… I'm… Hoping you can tell me where my friends are?”

The Gentleman steepled his fingers before his lips in thought. “Hmmm… They're off on a job for me, at the moment… Somewhere around Nicodramus by now, i would wager… Wait, aren't you… I thought they said you… Died, on the last job?” He came forward on his elbows, intrigued.

“Uh… Sort of. Not exactly…” Molly shifted his weight nervously. “I don't mean to be asking favors, i realize I'm certainly in no position to be doing so, but, do you have any way of getting in touch with them?”

The Gentleman leaned back again, kicking his heels up on the table. “Not per se, no… But they'll be back in time, to collect on their job, i expect.”

Molly nodded. “Alright… When they do, could you pass them a message for me? I'm going to head down to Alfield, or over Trostenwald way maybe… Could you let them know that?”

“Certainly,” the Gentleman assured him with an incline of his head. “Could i get you anything, before you go? A drink, perhaps? A hot meal?”

“A bath would be nice,” Molly admitted, half joking. “But i don't want to put you out any…”

“Nonsense. I insist.” The Gentleman clapped his hands, and one of his attendants came out from behind the curtain. She leaned down, and he spoke to her in a soft voice, just loud enough for Molly to overhear; “Draw a hot bath for our guest here, and have his garments and… Whatever that gaudy rug is… Laundered for him.” He turned back to Molly with a magnanimous grin. “Let it never be said that i was not generous, and that i did not take care of those who take care of me, and my affairs. Good to see you again, Mollymauk. I look forward to doing business with you again soon.”

_ Hopefully not at such a steep price this time,  _ Molly thought to himself, but only said, “Thank you, sir,” and followed after the attendant leading him back into the inner depths of the Gentleman's lair. Meekness was not in his nature, but these were extreme circumstances, and he was glad for whatever help was offered him in this moment, even if he knew he'd probably be paying for it later in trade.

She took him down several corridors, eventually turning into a private bathing room that was lavish and seemingly tropical, with all manner of exotic plants flourishing in the warm and humid air. The woman stepped up to the tub at the center of the room and turned a tap, steaming water pouring forth from it.

“Hot indoor plumbing?” Molly gaped, shaking his head in awe.

“Only the finest, for the Gentleman and his chosen guests,” she assured him, and gestured to a decorative screen in the corner. “If you'll disrobe, I'll take your garments to be cleaned. There is a towel there, for your use.”

Molly skipped the formalities of the changing screen, and shucked himself shamelessly from his garments where he stood. She gave him a wry grin, unimpressed, and held out her hand to collect his belongings. “I have seen things working for the Gentleman that would raise your hair… The naked purple flesh of a single tiefling is not especially shocking to me… Nice tattoos, though,” she added as he piled his folded clothing in her arms. “My name is Saera, I'll be back in a while to check on you and return your things, after they're laundered.”

“Won't it take a while to dry them?” Molly asked, easing into the tub.

Saera scoffed. “Please… You forget who your host is. We keep mages on staff here. Only the finest, for the Gentleman.”

“Clearly,” Molly agreed. He watched her hesitate a moment, then stoop to grasp the edge of the filthy, tattered tapestry, dragging it behind her as she left the room.

The bath was glorious. There was an assortment of oils and soaps on a small table beside the tub, and Molly sniffed them all, finally settling on a soap that smelled like a combination of patchouli, sandalwood, and warm vanilla. He washed every inch of himself, from his horns to the tip of his tail, being sure to make generous use of the nail brush supplied to scrub the dirt beneath his nails from him clawing his way out the grave.

Examining his body as he washed it, his chest disturbed him particularly. He expected to find a scar where Lorenzo had pierced him with his glaive, but he instead found another of the red eye markings. “Well, that answers  _ one _ mystery, i suppose,” he muttered to himself, contemplating how he would incorporate this one into a new tattoo, and what sort of deaths might have been caused by the previous markings, though he gave less thought to the latter of those; he was more focused on the present moment, and the future, and what it held for him.

He found himself drifting in a pleasant memory, in which he and Caleb had stolen off in the night from an inn they were staying at, to go look at the stars together and talk. Here, the memory began to shift into a dream, as the unresolved sexual tension that Molly had felt the moment charged with, began to unwind itself in a touching of hands, which led to mutual confessions, and a meeting of lips…

Things were just starting to get juicy when Molly found himself startled awake by Saera returning to the room. “I have your clothes,” she told him, setting them on the chair behind the screen. “I also had the mage cast mending on your… Whatever that gaudy carpet of yours is. It didn't restore the design on the decayed parts, but it is whole once more.”

“Thank you,” Molly said, surprised. “Truly, the Gentleman is beyond generous.”

Saera gave him a curt smile. “It is his to give… He's asked that i see you have a meal and a drink before you leave, and to remind you that he will be calling on your services again soon.” She leaned toward him a little, lowering her voice. “...do not think that his generosity does not come at a price, sir.”

Mollymauk nodded. “Yes, of course… This isn't my first dealing with him.”

Saera seemed relieved by this. “Ah, good… You don't want to find yourself especially beholden to him, you know.”

“Most certainly not… I've no intent to. I'll pay him back as soon as I'm able.”

Saera dipped her head. “I'll wait in the hall for you.”

Molly got out and dried himself, marveling at the luxury of the towels. “Only the finest indeed,” he muttered under his breath. The platinum dragon tapestry was intact again, as promised, although missing large swatches of the design near the edges, which somehow only added to its gaudiness, much to Molly's delight. He rolled it and slung it over his shoulder, lacing up his boots and running a comb through his hair in the looking glass before stepping into the hall to find the patiently waiting Saera.

She led him back into the main hall, to a place setting where a delicious-looking, though not overly lavish, meal and drink were already waiting for him. He sat and looked toward the Gentleman, who was watching him, and gave a nod of his head that was magnanimous and gracious, while still giving Molly the distinct impression of, “I own you, for now; don't forget it.” Molly simply raised his glass in a small toast and dug in… There was nothing else to do. To walk out would be to snub the Gentleman's hospitality, the peak of rudeness, and quite possibly one of the more dangerous things he had ever done in his life, either this life or any of the previous ones.

Once he finished, he let himself out. He reached into his pocket, anxious for a moment that perhaps his letter from Caleb had been laundered and destroyed, but it was perfectly safe and intact, along with his tarot card.

He also found a bit of coin in his pocket; not very much, but it would be enough to get him comfortably down as far as Trostenwald without starving or having to sleep in the streets.

He thought over his options for a few moments, and then made his way to the postmaster. He bought a page and envelope, and borrowed the use of a quill and ink to scratch out a note.

“Dear friends,” he began, then considered what exactly he should put down next. “I got your note. I am well. Just came from visiting a certain Gentleman we know, i asked him to pass along this message to you but i am sending a letter as well, in case you don't see him right away. Going down to Alfield or Trostenwald, hoping to find somebody down there i can stay with until i can meet back up with you. I miss you all, hope to see you soon, love, Mollymauk Tealeaf.”

He addressed the letter to Miss Jester “Fancy-Pants” LaVorre, care of the Pillow Trove, Zadash. It didn't cost much to get the letter posted just across town, although it annoyed Molly that it would only cost a few coins to send a piece of paper somewhere that he himself could not go.

Just before sealing the letter, he realized he should probably include something to assure them it was really him. After a moment's consideration, he tucked the moon card into the envelope.

He paid the coppers to send the letter, then set back out on the road, leaving Zadash, and continuing on southward. Nicodranas was too far off a journey for him to make right now, and he might well miss his friends in a city of that size, especially knowing their penchant for picking up side-jobs along the way. Maybe if he went down to Alfield… Watchmaster Bryce was fairly well acquainted with the Mighty Nein, perhaps they had some knowledge of where Molly's friends could be found. And if that didn't pan out, Trostenwald was where they'd begun together; maybe if he went back to the beginning, he could find a lead… Or, at least a friendly face, someone who could help him, perhaps.

**********

Caleb was exhausted as they made their way back into the city. Their latest task from the Gentleman had been accomplished, along with a bit of profitable side-work along the way. They would be paid handsomely for this job, but somehow, his heart just hadn't been in it lately. Things seemed so futile, with Molly gone.

There had been much about the purple tiefling in the weeks before his untimely demise, that had begun to put Caleb in a better place. His devil-may-care attitude was refreshing, and the way that he was always looking forward, never back. Mollymauk didn't live his life with regrets, and, for someone like Caleb, who carried so many regrets himself, with the heavy burdens of a troubled past, there was a lightness about Mollymauk that drew Caleb like a moth to a flame. He had wondered what it was that made the circus man tick.

As time wore on, they had been talking more and more- stealing away moments together that seemed now to exist outside of time itself- and Caleb's interest in Molly had only deepened. There weren't many answers forthcoming to the questions Caleb had as to “why” or “how” Molly was so at peace with himself… Only the sense of peace itself, which, the more time Caleb spent with Molly, the more he found that peace to be utterly contagious. There in his presence, the troubles of Caleb's past seemed to recede far into the distance, and for the first time in a long time, Caleb found himself, not grieving over the past, or desperately chasing an uncertain future, but just satisfied to be abiding in the moment.

Here in the vacuum created by Molly's death though, the demons of Caleb's past had started to creep back in around the edges. The uncertainties and sense of panic began to grip him again, like icy fingers in his heart. It was exhausting, tiring him in ways that sleep could not satisfy, giving him an especially weary and haggard look, and making him long that much more to recapture the joyful springtime of life that he had begun to discover with his friend.

Caleb had not been close to anyone since befriending Nott, and not  _ this _ close to anyone since his love for his fellow student during his time at the Soltryce Academy. It frightened him. He didn't know if he was ready to care that deeply for another person in his life yet, ready to love someone again, even someone as easy to love as Molly.

Caleb fought with himself on the issue, and it troubled him greatly. He tried to convince himself there were no feelings there, that this was merely friendship and nothing more, even in spite of the tension that lay between them at times, and Molly's actions, which, even Caleb could not really construe as being anything other than blatant flirting. Still, he made every reasonable excuse he could in his own head, to convince himself that he did not in fact have feelings for Mollymauk.

And as he watched frozen in terror as the last of Molly's blood drained out of him onto that snowy dawn battlefield, he knew in that moment with perfect clarity that every excuse he had told himself up until then was a lie, and that he did in fact love Mollymauk more than just as a friend.

It was too late for that, of course, by then… Too little too late. Just one more regret for Caleb to add to his flaming mountain of other regrets.

He tried not to dwell on it; he knew it was neither what Molly himself would have done, nor what Molly would have wanted Caleb to do… But without the influence of the motley, smirking tiefling, it was much harder to grasp on to whatever it was that he had held so briefly in their time together.

The Mighty Nein were discussing what to do as they rode back into the city of Zadash.

“I am inclined to agree with Jester,” Fjord said. “We should go to the Pillow Trove first, before going to cash in with the Gentleman. It’s late, and we should get cleaned up and rest. And anyway, at this hour, the Gentleman is probably already in bed himself, or, uh... “Entertaining lady-friends.””

“I think he means sex,” Nott whispered loudly to Beau, who rolled her eyes.

“Yes, thank you for clarifying that, Nott,” Beau snarked back in agreement.

The Gentleman had already arranged in advance for them to be let unquestioned into the Tri-Spires district through one particular gate, so they made their way quite easily to the Pillow Trove, even in their road-wearied state. There were rooms enough for them to double up, Fjord volunteering to bunk with Caduceus, and Caduceus agreeing to whatever because he was just in utter awe of the lavishness of the hotel.

They had just collected their keys and were making their way up to their rooms, when Jester doubled back and began skipping downstairs. “Oh, you guys, i should probably check to see if my mom sent me a package or anything.”

“Yeah, whatever, just don't make a lot of noise when you come in,” Beau grumbled as she dragged herself upstairs and slammed the door.

Fjord stopped Caleb in the hall just before he followed Nott into their room. “Caleb, are you… Ok? You've seemed… I don't know. Especially bothered, i guess… Since Molly's death.” Caduceus was about to enter his and Fjord's shared room, but he sensed the sudden tension in the hall and stopped in the doorway.

Caleb felt panicked, and very put on the spot. “Well,  _ ja,  _ why should i not be troubled? It was a very troubling event… I am honestly surprised that everyone else is not  _ more  _ troubled by it. Are you not troubled by it, Fjord?” It was a diversionary tactic, a simple misdirection rather than an actual answer, but it achieved the desired effect of flipping the power dynamic, putting Fjord uncomfortably on the defensive, like he was the one being interrogated.

“Uhhh… Well, sure, i mean… Of course I am troubled by his death… I think maybe everybody has their own way of coping with that kind of thing though, so… I… I was just checking, to make sure you were doin’ ok…”

“ _ Ja _ , i am doing just fine,” Caleb lied curtly and unconvincingly, and turned to go into his room just as Jester bolted up the stairs breathless.

“You guys,” she panted, and held up the moon card.

Caleb stared. “What... What is that? Where did you get that from?”

“It was… It was in here,” she said, passing the opened letter to Fjord. He scanned it briefly, eyes widening before Caleb snatched it from him.

“What do you think?” Jester asked.

Her and Fjord's comments faded into the background as Caleb read and reread the words in the letter. He had seen Molly's handwriting a few times, and he recognized the flourishing script in the letter to be his, definitely. Could this be, though? Certainly he had wished… Or else why had he left Molly that note? And there was precedence for such a thing… But, did he truly dare to hope?

For the first time in weeks, he felt a spark of joy begin to kindle tentatively in his heart.

“We should… We should go. Immediately.” Caleb began to start down the stairs, letter still in hand, but Fjord caught his sleeve.

“Whoa there, Caleb... The horses have already been stabled for the night, and they're just as tired or more tired than we are. They deserve their rest. We all could use a good night's sleep. This is exciting news, yes, but if it really is Molly, he can wait until tomorrow… We still have to collect from the Gentleman in the morning. We can start out right after that, alright?”

Caleb turned to Jester, grabbing the front of her jacket. “Jester, cast message. Cast message to Molly, and ask him if it's really him, if he's ok…”

Jester nodded and cast the spell. “Hello Molly, this is Jester... I'm here at the Pillow Trove with Fjord and Caleb and the others, well except for Yasha, you know how she is, but anyway, i…” The spell fizzled out.

There was a pause, and then Jester heard the soft but distinct voice of Mollymauk, asking, "...Jester? Are you all ok?"

The blue tiefling's eyes lit up and she grabbed at both Fjord and Caleb's arms. "Oh my gosh you guys, it's really him!" she squealed. "He wants to know if we're all ok?"

“Cast it again, Jester,” Caleb hissed insistently.

She did so. "Oh my gosh Molly, i can't believe it's really you! We're all ok, we got your letter with the moon card in it, and Caleb wanted me to message you…" She cast her last use of sending to finish up with, "To ask if it was really you and if you were ok and where you're at? We miss you so much! You can reply to this message…”

Caleb bit his thumb in frustration. Fjord could tell from Caleb's behavior that he most definitely had NOT been doing “just fine,” but he kept it to himself.

The silence in the hallway was thunderous. Just when Caleb felt the dim spark in his chest begin to fizzle out again, Jester's face lit up and she patted their arms in excitement as she listened to Molly replying in carefully metered phrasing,

“Am ok. Really me. In Trostenwald with Gustav. Will wait here. Miss you too. See you soon. Much to discuss.”

"You guys, he says it's really him, and he's in Trostenwald with Gustav, and he'll wait there for us, and he misses us too and he'll see us soon!"

Caleb fell slack against the door frame. Could it really be? Was it some kind of cruel trick? But how could it be? The doubt still lingered.

“Tell Caleb, butterflies.” The words came an instant later, after a moment's hesitation, but still close enough to make it through before the spell cutoff.

“...butterflies?” Jester said, turning to Caleb. "What does butterflies mean, Caleb? He told me to tell you that...

Fjord cocked his head quizzically. “Does that… Mean something to you, Caleb?”

The wizard nodded stiffly. “ _ Ja _ , it does… Um… Goodnight, then. See you… In the morning.” He retreated into his room, leaving Fjord and Jester confused in the hallway.

Caleb laid there trying to sleep, but he was restless. His mind wouldn't shut off. He couldn't erase that nagging suspicion that this was somehow a trick. He finally left Nott snoring softly in the bed, and went downstairs. He wasn't much one for drinking, but he had heard alcohol could drown out your sorrows, and he needed something to silence his inner demons, even if only for a few hours.

He was deep into his second tankard of ale when he felt a hand on his shoulder. “I thought I'd find you down here…” He turned to see Beau standing behind him.

“Beauregard,” he slurred. “Join me? How did you know i was here?”

“Yeeaaah…” She pulled up a stool at the bar. “Jester wouldn't shut up about that damn letter from Molly… She was still mumbling about it in her sleep when i came down, so i wasn't gonna get any rest up there… She told me how you'd reacted. I figured you probably weren't getting any rest either… But for different reasons.”

“I'm… I'm fine. I'm just fine,” Caleb said, slamming the last of his drink and waving for another.

“You're sloppy,” Beau chided him, “which is very unlike you… You're also a terrible liar. What does “butterflies” mean?”

Caleb's memories were fuzzy, and it took him a minute to find the one he was looking for. “We were sitting one day and talking,” he said. “I was asking him, how is he so happy? How does he know he wasn't a terrible person before now? How does that not weigh on him… All the time?”

“Caleb…” Beau's tone was one of warning, knowing this line of thinking could lead down a dark spiral, but he raised his hand dismissively at her.

“No, no… And… And do you know what he told me? He told me… Do you think butterflies live their lives, worrying about whose cabbages or tomatoes they ate as a caterpillar? No… They are butterflies, and they're free, and they just fly, and they're beautiful… He didn't tell me that last part, i just said that just now… But it's true. Isn't it true? Holy shit, Beau. I… I think i have feelings for Molly. Like… Not just friends. Like… Real feelings.” He turned to her, looking sad. “Is that fucked up?”

“The only thing fucked up right now is you on this cheap ale, Caleb,” she chuckled.

“What is everybody going to say?” he lamented drunkenly.

“Caleb… You act like everybody doesn't already know,” she scoffed. He looked flabbergasted. “Oh come on, you think you guys weren't totally obvious? I mean, i know you're a little oblivious at times, but Molly never made any efforts to hide anything… It was pretty obvious, Caleb… Trust me. They already know. Nobody cares.”

“I… What if it's not really him, Beau?” The desperation in his tone was palpable. “Even with the butterflies… Nobody else was there to hear that. It has to be him. But what if it's not? I can't erase that little worm of doubt, it just eats and eats and eats into my brain…”

“Hey… If it's Molly, then great, right? And if it's not, then… Whatever, i guess. Then he's already dead anyway, right?”

Caleb sighed. “Hope is a terrible thing, you know… It burrows into you, and never lets you rest.”

She clapped him on the shoulder. “Wooow, you are just full of charming wit and wisdom tonight, aren't ya? You know what? I'm cutting you off… I think you've had more than enough." She confiscated his fresh mug and slammed it herself, slapping a few coins down onto the counter. "Let's get you up to bed. I won't let you sleep down here in your cup, and i don't think you can negotiate those stairs on your own, so, upsy-daisy.” She flung Caleb's arm over her shoulder and half hoisted him up as she helped him up to his room.

He was too drunk to argue with her.

As she deposited him into his bed, she leaned down next to his ear and whispered, “Caleb… I know you've done some… Pretty fucked up stuff, in this life. I know you're packing around a lot of extra baggage, because of that. But, that was one thing about Molly; He didn't care about any of that. He left the past in the past. He could've been a serial killer, but it didn't bother him, because that's not who he was NOW… You should take a lesson from him in that, when we find him again.”

Beau patted Caleb's chest, leaving the moon card there, and walked out.

As Caleb lay in his bed beside Nott, the room spinning, he thought about her words.

“Beau is right… If we find you, Molly,” Caleb whispered to the ceiling, fingers rubbing at the tarot card, “I will tell you how i feel… I promise. No more regrets for things not done, for chances not taken…” He reached over and laid the card on the side table, his hand resting tenderly on it as he settled in to sleep. “Goodnight, Molly… Wherever you are.”

*****

After leaving Zadash, Mollymauk made his way uneventfully down to the Feed and Mead Tavern in Alfield, planning to buy a drink and a meal, and maybe a room if it wasn't too much. Going inside, he nearly bowled over Watchmaster Bryce, who was just leaving. They put out their hands and steadied Molly's shoulders. “Mollymauk Tealeaf!” A smile broke across their face as recognition sparked in their eyes, followed immediately by concern. “Your friends told me you were dead… How are you?”

He gave a half hearted laugh. “My, they get around, don't they? I've been better, although recently dead, yes, so I've also been worse… It's nice to see a familiar face. Could i spare a moment of your time?”

Bryce stepped back, ushering Molly into the tavern. “Of course, of course! I was just on my way home, but there's no rush there, come and sit with me.” They waved to the barkeep, Crute, to bring the two of them a round, and took a nearby table.

“That answers my first question,” Molly said, “of if you'd seen them recently… The next is, do you know where they are now?”

Bryce tapped a finger to their chin in thought. “At the moment, no… It's been some time since they came through here. If i recall correctly, they were on their way south toward Trostenwald, and eventually Nicodranas.”

“Ah, damn… I did so want to meet Jester's mother,” he lamented. “Oh well… I guess I'll head down that way, and keep looking for them. If they come through, will you tell them where I've gone?”

Bryce nodded. “Yes, of course… Where are you staying tonight?”

“Here, if there’s room, and i can afford it… I haven't all that much coin right now.”

Bryce waved their hand. “No, No, i won't allow it… I'll pay for your room.”

“Bryce, you don't have to d…” Molly began to protest, but he was interrupted.

“No, don't argue with me, please… It’'s my pleasure, and we really can't thank you enough for helping to fix that little problem we had here with the knolls a while back…” They sipped their mug. “You know who you could go see though? Gustav… I bet he'd be overjoyed to see you again.”

“Gustav? The circus master?” Molly asked.

“Formerly, yes… The circus was disbanded some time ago.”

Molly's face grew grim. “Ah, yes… Not especially surprised to hear that, after everything that had happened… Is he well, do you know?”

“Well enough, i suppose,” Bryce said. “He was doing jail time to pay off the debts for the trouble and damages caused by the circus fiasco, but the rest of the Nein came through and paid him into the clear, it seems… Against his wishes, as i understand it. He seemed content to spend the time, but they wouldn't have it. I believe a good portion of the money you had on you went toward that.”

Molly's countenance brightened slightly at that. “As i would have wanted it, yes… I know Gustav had his own demons he was wrestling with; I suppose we all did, in the circus…”

Bryce scoffed at that. “All people, Molly, not just circus folk… All people have their own demons to battle with. Some are just better at running from them than others are… Not to say that's a merit, by any stretch of the imagination… They always have a way of catching up to you, sooner or later…”

Nodding soberly, Molly took a swig of his ale. “That is too true…”

They chatted a good while longer, the conversation growing lighter and more filled with laughter and joking, before Molly finally stretched and gave a long yawn.

“Sorry, Bryce… Between the road and being dead, I'm pretty well exhausted… You would be surprised at how tiring it is, being dead…”

Bryce laughed and stood, clapping Molly on the shoulder. “I wouldn't know, I'll take your word for it though… I'll pay your lodgings for tonight though, and breakfast for in the morning… It was so good to see you again, Molly… Take care, and, uhh… Try NOT to die again, hmm?”

Molly gave a mischievous little grin. “I will certainly do my best… Thanks again.”

Bryce smiled and nodded, and Molly followed them to the counter, where Crute gave Molly the key to his room, and they parted ways.

On his way back to his room, somebody at a back table tugged at Molly's coat sleeve. He turned and saw it was an attractive elf woman, surprisingly buxom for an elf, with her assets prominently displayed in a tightly-laced bustier. Her fine features were accented dramatically with makeup, and her ruby red lips curled into a licentious grin as Molly's eyes met hers.

“Hey stranger,” she purred in a dusky voice. “Want some company for tonight? I'll make it worth your money…”

An image of Caleb flashed through his mind at that moment. He shook his head, adjusting the platinum dragon tapestry draped over his shoulder. “You know, i can't believe I'm saying this, but, i think I'm good for tonight… Thank you so much for the offer though.” He pressed a silver into her palm. “You have a lovely evening.”

The woman stared bewildered into her hand, then called, “Uh… Thanks. You too,” watching his swaying tail retreating down the hall.

Crawling into his bed alone, his thoughts turned again to Caleb. He wasn't sure he'd ever turned down an offer for sex before, at least not that he remembered, during this lifetime. But right now, there was only one person that he wanted to be with, and if Molly couldn't have him, then he was just fine snuggled up with the platinum dragon tapestry until then.

In the morning, Molly felt well-rested, and went for a good breakfast before starting out toward Trostenwald. It was a solid two days journey at a quick pace, but the weather this far south wasn't untolerable and Molly was able to camp that night in some brush not far off the road. He didn't light a fire, since he was alone, and didn't want to draw attention to himself.

It was nearing evening when he came over the rise down into the town of Trostenwald.

Bryce had given Molly a possible lead of where they thought Gustav was working, so Molly made his way through the once-familiar streets to the Nestled Nook Inn.

Yorda looked up across the crowd at Molly as he came in. “Take a seat, we'll get to ya soon as we can,” she shouted over then din and then turned back to pouring ales from a cask.

Molly found a corner as far away as he could get from the music, which seemed too bawdy and loud for the pensive sort of contemplative mood he was in tonight. He waited patiently, and after a while Yorda came to his table. An errant strand of her blonde hair had escaped her stubby ponytail, and she tucked it behind her ear. “Alright, what can i get ya?”

“A Trost, i suppose,” Molly said half-heartedly. He'd been scanning the crowd, but had seen no trace of Gustav’s unmistakable tall, lanky form. “And… Maybe a plate of fruit and cheese, with some bread?”

“Apples,” Yorda barked. “Best i can do ya for fruit, we're out of the rest until tomorrow. But bread and cheese, sure enough.”

“Apples is fine,” Molly said, forcing a weary smile. He wasn't especially hungry, truth be told. Not finding Gustav as he had so hoped had ruined his appetite somewhat; but he knew he needed to eat something to keep up his strength.

Yorda nodded curtly and bustled off into the crowd, returning shortly with his ale, dropping the mug unceremoniously on his table. Some of it slopped over the rim onto the table and she called over her shoulder as she walked away, “ Food’ll be up directly.”

“Thank you,” Molly said weakly as she disappeared into the crowd with a wave. He nursed his mug, thinking that he should not have hung so much hope on a long shot like this, and wondering if he could go back to Alfield and maybe stay with Bryce until his friends found him.

The platter of cut apples and cheese, with a small loaf of bread and a generous slathering of butter, slid gently onto his table, interrupting his introspections. “Apologies for the wait, we are busier than expected tonight, and… Mollymauk?”

Molly looked up suddenly, and Gustav stooped to hug him tightly, Molly returning the embrace. “Oh Molly,” Gustav murmured into his hair. “They told me you had died… I had hoped not, of course, but they seemed quite sure of it…” Gustav pulled back, crouching, a thin hand laid on Molly's cheek, cocking his head, brow furrowed in concert. “Do you remember me?”

“Fletching and Moondrop's Traveling Carnival of Curiosities,” Molly recited with a familiar and practiced air, a tear brimming in his eye. “How could i ever forget you, dear Gustav?”

Gustav pulled him into another embrace, his voice cracking. “When i found you before, you had no memory, so i wasn't sure… Gods, Molly… Are you alright? I mean, you look alright, but… Are you?” Gustav pulled back again.

“I think so,” Molly said, “Though i can't be entirely sure… I'm looking for my friends. Have they been through here?”

Gustav stood. “It's been a while… A few months, maybe. I've been working here the past few weeks, Yorda needed the help since Adelaine had a baby and took ill shortly after, she's been home recovering… Where are you staying, Molly?”

“Nowhere yet, i just got in tonight,” Molly told him. “I was hoping perhaps i could stay with you a while, until my friends find me again?”

“Done,” Gustav replied immediately, taking Molly's hand in his. “It will be so good to catch up with you, Molly…”

“Gustav!” Yorda shouted over the rabble, “Table seven needs more wine, fetch me some from the cellar!”

The ex-circus master waved in acknowledgement, and gave Molly's hand a parting squeeze. “I'm working until about midnight, it should slow down a lot by then… Wait around for me, I'll collect you when I'm done.”

Molly smiled warmly, and nodded, digging into his light dinner.  _ This was a good choice after all, coming here,  _ he told himself.  _ It will be good to visit with Gustav until the Mighty Nein catch up with me… _

The evening passed quickly, and things slowed down sooner than expected, so Yorda let Gustav go early. Molly held his arm out companionably, and Gustav chuckled in amusement but linked his arm with Molly's and they made their way through the town together.

“I'm renting a small room in a boarding house,” Gustav explained as they walked. “It's not much, but it's a warm bed, and big enough to share… What's mine is yours, Mollymauk. I really can't tell you how glad i am to see you…”

“It's strange seeing you like this,” Molly said, gesturing to Gustav's plain clothing.

Gustav shrugged. “I hung up the hat and coat after the circus was disbanded… A bit hard to get regular work, looking like that…”

“Well, it's never been much trouble for me,” Molly intimated teasingly.

The ex-circus master laughed at that. “Not all of us can be you, Mollymauk… You are truly one of a kind. I am charismatic, but losing the circus took a lot out of me…” His tone darkened. “I… Had some things to take care of. Loose ends to tie up… Your friends have taken on a new member of the group, and he's quite insightful. Uncannily so. Reminded me rather unnervingly that i had some things i had been running from.”

“Don't we all,” Molly quipped, but then on a more serious note he added, “...Did you get them taken care of? Your somethings?”

Gustav hesitated, but nodded slowly. “I think so… Without getting into too many details, i think it's been resolved to everyone's satisfaction...”

“Made your peace with it, then?”

“As much as can be expected, i suppose,” Gustav said. “Are you familiar with Shady Creek Run?”

Mollymauk pulled an expression that was a combination of rankling his nose and wincing. “Most unfortunately, yes… Your something was there?”

“Some _ one…  _ And yes, she was… I think that things are good between us now though. I can look at myself in the mirror now without being nagged every waking moment by irrepressible guilt… I can sleep easily at night, no more nightmares plague my dreams, and overall i feel as though a weight has been lifted from me.”

Molly gave a wan smile as they came to a house and went inside and up the stairs to the second floor. “I'm glad to hear that… I'm proud of you. It can be hard, laying your demons to rest, i know. ”

Gustav glanced sidelong at Molly as he fished the key to his room from his pocket.” _ Do _ you know? Not to be disrespectful, but I figured that with your memory issues, most of your demons were left in your past life… You never seemed to be the type for regrets.” He ushered Molly into a bedroom- cozy, but functional- and hung his coat on the back of a wooden chair, pulling it out from the desk it was tucked under and waving Molly to be seated. Gustav perched on the edge of the bed, because there really wasn't anywhere else to sit; he wasn't joking when he said that he rented a small room.

“Demons perhaps of things i may have _ done, _ and left behind me, yes,” Molly admitted, plopping down into the chair.

“...But, of things  _ not  _ done?” Gustav inferred.

“Precisely,” Molly confirmed with a mournful sigh. “Things left unsaid, to be specific. Feelings left…” He grasped in futility for the right word. None seemed big enough, encompassing enough, to suit his circumstance. He thought of Caleb.

Gustav took all this in, watching the angst on Molly's face, and stepped in to alleviate his fumbling. "It's not like you to be tongue-tied… It must be incredibly important, to have you flummoxed so."

Nodding in silent confirmation, lips pressed into a thin, grim line, Molly dabbed at the tears brimming in his eyes with the sleeve of his coat. 

Gustav laid his thin hand on Molly's knee. "When i found you in the woods that day, you were like a newborn babe… You couldn't speak or care for yourself, even though you were a grown man. You were filthy and skinny, and there was a look in your eyes that i cannot describe as anything other than haunted…" The ex-circus master sighed, gazing at Molly with the sort of fondness usually reserved for a father to his son. "You just kept muttering to yourself, over and over, "empty, empty…" Or, i thought perhaps, "MT," as in, initials… For what i did not know, though I thought it might be some clue to your past; so i called you Mollymauk Tealeaf, and we adopted you into our strange little circus family…" Gustav smiled wistfully, remembering. "It took some time, but you started coming around… Remembered how to speak, and do things. It was a joy seeing you bloom and flourish with the circus, Molly. You grew into such a character… And, I saw more and more, that you were creating yourself into who you wanted to be… I know children sometimes will go mute like that when they've had a terrible trauma, and i wondered if it was so with you… Do you still not remember anything from before that?"

Shaking his head, Molly murmured, "No, I never have… And I'm not keen to. Whoever that was, is gone now."

Gustav patted his knee and sat back up. "And that is precisely what i am getting at. You may have had an entire life that you walked away from, left unsaid, without a single backward glance, Molly… Whoever you were, has no bearing on who you are now… It's not like you to look back in regret… That's not who you are. Don't go changing now, hmm? At least, not in that way."

Molly mulled this over. "You're right, of course," he said at length, nodding slowly. "And i have every intention of reconciling that forthwith… I just need to find my friends first."

"Well, you're welcome to stay with me until you do… What's mine is yours, Mollymauk, as i said… Including this." He reached under the bed and rooted around, drawing out a dusty bottle of wine. "I was saving it for a special occasion… I wasn't sure what exactly, but I'd call this as special an occasion as I'm like to have anytime soon. Will you drink with me?" He cast his eyes about the place and patted at his vest pockets. "Ah, but i haven't a glass…"

The impish curl of Molly's smile was infectious. "Of course I'll drink with you, Gustav. And no matter for the glass, we'll share the bottle. What shall we drink to?"

The cork came out with a resounding pop, and the older man thought for a moment. "To your health, Molly… And a long life, with no regrets…" Gustav took a generous pull off the bottle and handed it to Molly.

"And to friendship," the tiefling added, taking a drink himself.

They passed the bottle back and forth between them until it was gone, reliving old memories together and laughing until Gustav began to yawn and stretch. "I've been living a much tamer life since my circus days," he admitted with a sheepish grin, "and I'm afraid I'm spent for the night… I'll talk to you more in the morning, alright?"

Molly nodded, and Gustav kicked off his boots and crawled under the blankets, lying close to the wall. The bed was small, but there was room enough for the two of them if they lay close together, and neither of them minded it, having traveled and lived in close quarters together in the past.

The tiefling was just drifting off to sleep when a familiar voice filled his mind.

“Hello Molly, this is Jester… We're all here at the Pillow Trove, the Mighty Nein, well except for you of course, and Yasha, you know how she is, but I…”

Tears brimmed at his eyes instantly, and he choked back a sob. He wanted to shout how good it was to hear her voice, even her ridiculous rambling, but he didn't want to wake Gustav, who was snoring lightly beside him. He replied in hushed tones, "...Jester? Are you all ok?"

It was only a moment before he heard, "Oh my gosh Molly, i can't believe it's really you! We're all ok, we got your letter with the moon card in it, and Caleb wanted me to message you…"

At the sound of Caleb's name, Molly had an intense pang in his chest. He pressed his hand over his heart, tears welling up even more now, and there was a pause again for a moment before he heard her add, "To ask if it was really you and if you were ok and where you're at? We miss you so much! You can reply to this message…”

Molly was overcome with emotion, and not thinking entirely clearly since he'd just been startled awake. He didn't want to wake Gustav, and he thought he remembered there being a word limit to this spell, so he tried to be brief, and eliminate as many words as possible, and still convey what he needed to say. He knew time was ticking, so finally he spoke in halting phrases, “Am ok. Really me. In Trostenwald with Gustav. Will wait here. Miss you too. See you soon. Much to discuss." He almost left it at that, but he knew that Caleb would likely doubt it was him, even with the presence of the card. He scrambled for something to add, something cryptic that only Caleb would know, that would assure him that it was really Molly, to put him at ease. "Tell Caleb, butterflies.”

Gustav rustled in his sleep, and the silence that followed was terrible. Alone with his tears, Molly remembered his time with Caleb.

Molly lusted after Caleb, there was no doubt about that, and Molly made no pretense to himself otherwise. But he respected how emotionally fragile the young wizard was, and understood that more than sex, Caleb was in need of emotional intimacy. The wizard had grown so dear to him, and he could sense Caleb's hesitance, but also his great need. It was a treacherous balance, trying to not push too hard and scare him away, but also provide a strong support for him, like a trellis, that allowed a vine to grow upward toward the light, and blossom.

And blossom he did… Oh, not in very noticeable ways, in leaps and bounds; no, this was more subtle, more timid… More of a slow coming out of his shell, and Molly was there to coax and reassure him. Dear Caleb, with so many scars, both visible and those unseen…

And then Molly was yanked away from him, brutally, without warning. No chance for final goodbyes. No chance to confess the words that he'd been holding back all this time for fear that Caleb would bolt at the first hint of commitment… Leaving Molly with so many worries. Was Caleb alright? He'd been put together enough after Molly's death to write a note to bury with him… Had he regressed in the meantime?

_ No,  _ Molly scolded himself.  _ Caleb is strong. So much stronger than he knows or believes that he is… But i believe in him. I have to believe he'll be alright.  _ He found his fingers had slipped into the pocket of his pants, and were rubbing at the note Caleb had left him. Like a child strokes a blanket for comfort, he ran his fingers over the folds and valleys of the paper, like prayer beads, until he finally drifted off to sleep.

***

Caleb was up and packed and waiting downstairs with the horses before anybody else was even awake. He rushed them through breakfast, and led the charge to the Evening Nip with a restless impatience that the rest of them couldn't help but notice. Beau brought her horse up next to the wagon, which Caleb was driving at a pace that might be considered reckless through the narrower residential streets leading to the inn. "Caleb," she chided him, "You're going to run over a little old lady, slow down…"

He turned on her, a wild desperation in his eyes. "The sooner we get to the Gentleman the sooner we can cash in and the sooner we can get to Trostenwald and to Mollymauk,  _ ja? _ " he insisted.

Beau backed off a step. "Technically, yes… But not if you kill a townsperson on the way and end up in jail…"

This gave Caleb pause, and he reigned the horses in somewhat, taking a more reasonable but still brisk pace.

Jester had been filling Nott in about the card and the letter in the back of the wagon as they rode. Nott now came forward, laying a timid hand on Caleb's shoulder. "Caleb… Are you alright?"

He gave her a dismissive backward glance. "I'm fine," he said in a clipped tone that belayed the opposite.

Pursuing her lips together in pensive acquiescence, the goblin woman sat back. "Alright, Caleb. If you say so…"

In the passage down to the real Evening Nip, Fjord turned to Caleb and said, "Let me do the talking, alright? You are clearly emotionally compromised right now, and we do not want to go making asses of ourselves in front of the Gentleman, or offending him…"

If looks could kill, the icy glare that Caleb shot him in the dim hallway would have surely stopped his heart. " _ Ja, _ ok," was all he said. He knew Fjord was right; he was a mess right now, and like it or not he probably should not let it ruin their good working relationship with the Gentleman.

As they entered the receiving hall, the Gentleman sat forward, spreading his arms magnanimously. "Ah, the Mighty Nein, what a pleasure to see you again… I had started to worry if you'd come into a spot of trouble on this most recent job, but i should have known better… I take it that the tasks in question have been completed to my satisfaction?"

"They have indeed, sir," Fjord assured him, pulling a scroll and a small pouch out of Jester's haversack.

The Gentleman gestured for one of his attendants to bring him the items, which he inspected, a widening grin spreading across his face. "You come through for me yet again… Excellent work." He turned to a large chest beside him and creaked it open, counting out the agreed-upon fee into stacks of coins as he spoke. "Are you looking for another job? I'm sure I have more work for such industrious and efficient adventures such as yourselves…"

"While we may soon be in that market again," Fjord began, "I regret to inform you that we will be taking a little time off… It seems we have come back into contact with one of our compatriots…"

"Oh, yes, the violet tiefling," the Gentleman interrupted, noticing Caleb tense at his words. "Molly, was it? Yes, he's been through here, actually… Not all that long ago. I gave him a bit of traveling money, with the understanding that he would repay me at his soonest convenience… If you're going to see him, perhaps I should just…" He slid one stack of coins back into the chest, and then scooped the rest into a bag, handing it off to be given to the Nein. "Then we're all even, and you can sort out the debt with him yourselves."

"We thank you for your generosity, sir," Fjord said as he received the sack of coin.

"Of course… He asked me to tell you he planned to head down to Alfield or Trostenwald, whenever i saw you all. That was maybe a week ago." Beau grabbed Caleb's arm to prevent him from running out.

"Thank you for your time," Fjord said graciously. "I'm sure you'll be seeing us again soon."

"I'll always have work for you… Don't stay away too long," the Gentleman said with a parting wave, his tone seeming innocent enough but carrying just the slightest undertone of a reminder that they had a beneficial working arrangement, and that if they defected from him, he had the power to do horrible things to them.

Back out in the street, Caleb untied the wagon and climbed into the driver's seat. "Well, come on then, let's get going…" When he looked up, he saw none other than Yasha standing there in the street.

"Yasha!" Jester cried, running up to her and hugging her tightly. "We're going to see Molly, do you want to come with us?"

The barbarian looked uncomfortable. "I've… Already been to his grave, Jester. But thanks."

"Oh, no… See, he's not dead anymore!" Jester chirped. "Isn't that great? He's down in Trostenwald with Gustav! You should totally come with us, i bet they both would love to see you again!"

Yasha's heterochromatic eyes widened as she took the information in, then began to glisten with tears. "He's… Not dead?"

"He sent us a letter," Beau said as she vaulted the side of the wagon with a grunt and settled in. "Pretty sure dead people don't send mail. Jessie's right, they'd both love to see you again. There's room for one more…" She patted the seat beside her.

"Um… O-okay," Yasha agreed reluctantly, and climbed into the wagon, the axles creaking in mild protest with the added weight of her massive frame.

The ride from Zadash all the way down to Trostenwald usually took about four and a half days by horse, if you were traveling at a normal pace. Considering the wagon and the sizeable load of people they were hauling, it would take the Nein closer to six. Caleb would have driven the horses into a froth that first day if not for Beau and Fjord forcing the reins away from him and reminding him that it would delay the journey even further if the horses keeled over and dropped dead from being driven too hard.

"I am sorry," Caleb said as he took a seat in the back of the wagon.

Beau nudged him with her shoulder. "Hey man, we get it… You're excited to see him again. But it's only a few more days…"

Caleb nodded in silent agreement, but though he didn't say as much, it was more than just that. He needed to know if it was really Molly. The waiting was maddening. Even for Beau's reminder last night at the Pillow Trove, Caleb was restless and impatient. The past was behind them all, and maybe Molly was dead and gone and this was all just some horrible prank for reasons unknown by evil people…

_ But what if it isn't?  _ was the refrain that kept playing in Caleb's head.  _ But what if it's not? _ If Mollymauk was not merely a part of his past, but something waiting in his future… It changed so much.

He had six days to dwell on it. To try to make his peace with the very real possibility that they would arrive in Trostenwald and it would be a trap, and to somehow reconcile that with the opposite possibility- the seeming impossibility- that this was indeed Mollymauk come back to him.

So much in his life had been taken from him, Caleb mused to himself on the third day, a great deal of it by his own doing… And that was when he had the breakthrough; his worry, his fear, was stealing his happiness, and he was doing it to himself.

He and Beau drew second watch that night, and as he laid another log on the fire, he asked her without any preamble, "Do you think it helps to talk about things with others?"

Startled out of a light doze, Beau stretched and considered his words. "I guess it depends what it's about… You always play everything close to the chest. Too close, probably… I know you've got dark secrets and shit, but yeah, i think it's probably good to open up to people once in a while… I'm not really good at all this touchy-feely shit, but, I'm happy to listen, if you need to get something off your chest." She watched him attentively, the way he shifted and fidgeted with a loose thread on his sleeve. She let the silence press down on them both until he sighed heavily and spoke at last.

"I know what you said, about the past being behind me," Caleb began, "about me needing to be more like Molly like that… And, Beauregard, i have  _ tried _ …" He paused, trying to phrase his feelings before speaking again. "It was so much easier, when he was here…" Caleb couldn't hold back the sting of bitter tears in his eyes. "Everything was easier, with him here, Beau… And, when i thought he was gone, i just had to suck it up and move on, you know? No matter how much it hurt. And time heals wounds, or so they say, but i don't know if that's true, because when i saw that card, Beau…" He swallowed hard. "There it was all right at the surface again. Raw and open. And if it's not him, Beau…" Caleb wiped at his eyes. "If it's not him… Then it's all been ripped wide open again, and for what? For nothing… What if it's a trap? What if someone is trying to lure us in, for some terrible purpose? And even if it's not that, even if it's just some… I don't know, some sick prank for some reason… It's still all for nothing. And i am laid open raw again, all for nothing. I don't know if i can handle that… Losing him again. And even if it is him, and i have him back, do you realize that _ every time _ we go into battle, i am going to be watching him, terrified, that image of him with Lorenzo's glaive sticking out of his chest, burned into my thoughts? And one way or the other, it will happen, in time… I will have to lose him all over again…"

"Wow… Caleb, that's…" Beau ran her fingers through her hair, staring vacantly into the fire, trying to mentally process. "That's a lot going on." She gave a coarse chuckle trying to lighten the mood, but there was no levity in Caleb; he couldn't even bring himself to fake a smile.

" _ Ja _ …" Caleb whispered, that one syllable carrying in it a lifetime of loss and feeling broken. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, poking to fire with a stick. "I shouldn't burden others wi…"

"Oh stop that," Beau scolded. "I'm not telling you not to talk… I'm saying you should do it more often… Don't let it build up like that…" She sighed, lips pursed tight in annoyance. "Geez Caleb, give me a minute, that was a lot to dump all at once, you know?" Beau thought for a moment. "I think you're wrong."

Caleb looked up at her across the fire.

"About the whole, pain healing with time thing… I don't think pain gets smaller… I think it's more like… Like your life continues to grow bigger around the pain… Like an oyster. You kinda… Insulate yourself against it, you know? It becomes a smaller part of your life. This is still really fresh for you, for all of us, and i think it would be unreasonable to expect you to be over it this soon… But i also think you're selling yourself short. You've been through a lot, and you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"Beau, I was in an asylum," Caleb began, but she cut him off.

"God Dammit Caleb," she hissed, trying not to disturb those sleeping with her seething anger. "Don't you get it? That's strength! You  _ survived _ , man! All that fucked up stuff they put you though, losing your family and shit… Yeah, you went a little crazy for a minute, got amnesia or whatever… It happens, you know? You went through SO MUCH, Caleb, and you're still standing! That's _ something _ … Don't discredit that, ok? Don't just… Brush it off as nothing. You are  _ so  _ strong… You're a survivor. You think this one little loss is going to take you down? Not even a loss, might i add; a POTENTIAL loss, somebody who is maybe dead, and would still be dead, but if by some amazing stroke of luck he's still alive, I'd count that as a win, Caleb…" She sighed and shook her head. "It's not the outside world that's gonna do you in, Caleb… It's up here." She tapped her temple. "You are the most self-destructive person I've ever met, and that's saying something, coming from me, let me tell ya… You gotta have a little faith in yourself, Caleb… Molly did."

The ache in his chest was sharp and deep, as her words struck him like an arrow, cutting right to the heart of the matter. "I know that i am lacking in self confidence, Beauregard," he said in a measured tone. "And i know that much of what i have lost in my life, has been my own fault, for whatever reason… And, i thought maybe i was starting to believe in myself a little bit, with Molly there… It's so much easier to believe in something when you're not alone in it,  _ ja? _ " he asked. "I mean, if someone as good, and as kind, and as wonderful as him, could believe in me… Then maybe there was something in me, that was worth believing in, you know?"

His tears were flowing freely by now, and he made no effort to hide them. He was startled by a hand on his leg, and he looked down through his tear-bleary eyes to see the small green face of Nott. "Oh…  _ Scheisse _ ... How… How long have you been listening?"

"Long enough," she replied, and leaned her head on Caleb's knee. "You know… I believe in you, Caleb."

Caleb froze momentarily, then scooped Nott up into a tight embrace. "I know you do, Nott… I'm sorry. It's not… I don't mean…"

"It's ok, Caleb," she reassured him.

"Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees," Beau commented.

"No, it's… Not that…" Caleb released the goblin and sat back, wiping at his eyes. "I, um… Nott, i think i have feelings… For Mollymauk."

Nott stared blankly at him, then looked to Beau, who only gave a helpless shrug. "Um… Is that all, Caleb? I mean, we all pretty much knew that already…"

Beau snorted at Caleb's shock. "Told ya."

Caleb sighed, rubbing his face and running his fingers through his hair, and Nott patted his shoulder. "I'll take the next watch, Caleb. You go get some sleep."

Caleb nodded, and heaved himself to his feet, making his way over to his bed roll. He laid down with his back to the fire, and pulled the moon card out of his pocket, holding it to his chest as he let slumber claim him with restless dreams of patchwork and peacock feathers that always stayed maddeningly just out of his reach. 

***

They were one day outside of Trostenwald, and Caleb had second watch with Caduceus.

The lanky firbolg had brewed himself a pot of tea at the beginning of his watch, and was now sipping it from a delicate floral teacup and saucer which seemed very out of place on the side of the road. "So, this Mollymauk that we're going to see… I never got a chance to meet him. I, uhh… I get the feeling that he's pretty important to you?"

Caleb sighed, weary. " _ Ja _ , very much so…" He thought for a moment and then asked, “I thought you said that you made the earth remember him, or something?”

The tall, pink-haired Firbolg gave a mellow shrug with a chuckle. “I dunno… It doesn't always work, i guess?” He sipped his tea, seemingly satisfied with his answer, though Caleb clearly was not.

"He wasn't supposed to be alive still, you know," Caleb said.

Caduceus paused and set his cup in its saucer. "You sound almost disappointed…"

"I'm… Not, no," Caleb said, though as he spoke the words he doubted them, even as he was confused by the feeling.

"Hmmm…" The Firbolg took another sip. "You know… I can't say as i understand all that wizard stuff in your books… It's not how the Wild Mother does things, not how my powers work… That's not to say they're wrong," he added hastily, "just that… There's other ways in the world, than the ways that we understand… There's things that can't be known. I get a feeling that this Molly friend of yours falls under  _ that  _ school of thought…"

Caleb considered this. "Maybe you are right, Caduceus… There is much about Mollymauk that it would be difficult, if not impossible, to understand, let alone explain…"

"Mmmm… Back to that, uhh… Disappointment thing…" He could sense Caleb's unease with this line of questioning, but he felt that made it all the imore important to pursue it anyway. "I guess that's not quite the word I'm looking for… Maybe you can supply the right one, for what you're feeling?"

"Afraid," the wizard admitted without hesitation.

Pursing his lips and nodding slowly, Caduceus asked, "What of?"

"Loss, i suppose," Caleb said with a heavy sigh. "It's… Not entirely clear, as a feeling…"

"Why don't you stumble on through it with me?" Caduceus offered. "I think you'll find I'm an excellent listener…"

Caleb chuckled. " _ Ja,  _ there is something very calming and… Disarming, perhaps, about you…"

"Well, thank you very much, mister Caleb," Caduceus remarked with a smile.

The wizard's brow furrowed as he searched for the right words. "I talked to Beau a bit about this the other night… I'm… I'm afraid of losing him again. Or, what if it's not really him? And then we've got our hopes up- I'VE gotten MY hopes up- for nothing?"

Caduceus listened, then blew on his tea and took a long sip before responding. "You know, the funny thing about having lived in a graveyard for so long, so close to death, is that, you start to appreciate things… A good cup of tea, maybe… A bird, passing through, with extraordinary colors, or a beautiful song… But the thing about all of that is, how  _ fleeting  _ it all is… All of the most precious things, are fleeting."

"But if I've just got him back," Caleb lamented, "to get my hopes up, and then for them to be dashed?"

"It seems to me, you're grieving something that may not even exist," Caduceus said, and gave that a moment to sink in. "Also, realize that, you WILL lose him… If it's already happened, or he'll die in the future, or  _ you'll  _ die first, or you just have a falling out… Having anything- anything of value- involves the risk of losing it. That's kind of what makes it precious, is the fact that it could be taken away at any time. They're inextricably linked, like death is a part of life. You can't have the one without the other…

"But also, realize that, even death, isn't the end of everything. Oh, sure, something dies and it stops being… But it nourishes something else. It transforms. Nothing really ever ends, it just… Changes, you know? And change doesn't have to be feared. Just because it's not the same as it used to be, doesn't mean it's of less value… But i think in that, in living so much around dead things and things that have transformed into something new, it's taught me the valuable lesson of really being in the now, and experiencing things to the fullest, living each moment to its greatest potential, because you never know when that thing is going to be taken away, or change into something else…" He paused and swirled his tea in his cup before taking a sip. "If he's gone- and, to be clear, i personally think that all signs point to that  _ not _ being the case right now- then, his death will nourish something new and wonderful in its place… Something different, sure, but, different doesn't have to be bad…"

The words were like a soothing balm on Caleb's raw and aching heart. "You are… Very insightful. I think that's exactly what i needed to hear tonight… Thank you, Caduceus."

"Hey, any time…" Caduceus inclined his head graciously, and poured himself some more tea.

***

After a day or two puttering around Gustav's room bored out of his skull, Molly let his friend talk him into coming to help at the Nestled Nook. Yorda still needed the extra hands with Adelaine being out; Gustav was better than nothing, but he was getting on in years, and just not as quick on his feet as a younger, more experienced server would be.

"Won't be able to pay you much," Yorda warned. "Not used to having to pay out for two wages… But business has been pretty good lately, which means both that we need the help and I'll probably have enough to give you at least something for your time."

In truth, Molly was just glad to have something to do with himself. In the evenings, in bed beside the snoring Gustav, he lay awake, troubled by thoughts of Caleb, waiting to see if Jester would send him another message, but none came. He tried to trust that they'd be along soon, but he knew he had to keep himself busy to keep him from dwelling too much on things. 

Despite never having waited tables before- to the best of his knowledge, anyway- Molly took to it like a fish to water. Perhaps it was his youthful energy, or his amiable personality, or just the fact that he was still by nature a terribly charming flirt, but he made pretty good tips working that first day. Yorda was pleasantly surprised, and paid him an equal share to what she gave Gustav. "You've certainly earned it," she told him. "Come back again tomorrow."

So it was that Molly spent the next few days and evenings waiting tables in the busy inn, and sleeping what little he could at night. 

After a week of restless evenings though, even waiting tables wasn't enough to keep the worries out of his mind. "Stay home tonight," Gustav told him. "You're distracted, i can tell… You won't be much good to Yorda like this, and Tuesdays tend to be slower anyway, we can handle the crowd between the two of us. You get your head straight, maybe turn in early- you're starting to get bags under your eyes- and come back fresh tomorrow, alright?"

Molly agreed, though reluctantly. Truth be told he was glad Gustav had made the decision for him; he definitely did not feel that he was in the right headspace to play the usual role of a gracious host… But the idea of being alone with his thoughts for the night was similarly unappealing. It was a no-win situation really, but Molly figured it was unfair to drag others into his suffering right now. 

***

As they rolled into Trostenwald, Caleb got very fidgety. Jester laid her hand on his arm, and he felt a warmness flow into him from her touch. "It's going to be ok, Caleb," she reassured him, and for a moment he felt more at ease.

He hopped out at the Nestled Nook Inn, followed by everyone except Fjord, who was driving the cart, and took it to the stables. 

Inside they pretty well had their pick of the tables, as business was slow and there were very few patrons down in the tavern, mostly locals from the looks of them. Yorda glanced up as they came through the door and gave them a wide smile. She finished drying her hands on a bar towel and slung it over her shoulder. "Well now… It's been a minute since i saw you lot… What can i get you tonight?"

"Dinner for seven would be nice," Beau replied.

"Ah… One with no meat, if you have it," Caduceus interjected. 

Yorda cocked an eye brow curiously. "Right then… Seven dinners, one with no meat if we have it… Anything else?"

"Do you have any rooms available? Please tell me you have some rooms available..." Beau leaned pitifully on the counter; all of them were road-weary, and could stand a good washing-up and a night in a proper bed. 

"Aye, you're in luck, all three are open as of this afternoon."

Beau pumped her fist. "Yesss… Great." She stood upright again, fished six gold out of her bag and set them on the counter. "Will that cover all three for tonight at least?"

Yorda scooped the coins into her hand and pocketed them. "Aye, that it will. Dinner and breakfast tomorrow too. I'll put your order in straightaway." She made her way back to the kitchen.

They all settled into their seats and began chatting while they waited. Caleb noticed almost immediately that the table they'd taken was the very same one they'd been sitting at all that time ago on the day they first met Mollymauk. It was an uncanny coincidence, Caleb thought, and he hoped it was a sign of good luck, that he would soon again see the purple tiefling's shadow grace the doorway of the Nestled Nook Inn.

Fjord joined them after a short time, and it was only a few minutes later that their dinner order came out. 

"Alight then, a sliced loaf with butter, six beef stews…" The platter settled on the table, and their server locked eyes with the patrons. "Oh… My dear friends…"

Jester leapt to her feet. "Gustav!" She hugged him with enthusiasm. 

"Gently, gently!" he admonished with a laugh. "It's so good to see you all again… Molly will be thrilled to see you."

Caleb gripped the edge of the table, leaning forward with focused intensity. "He is here then?"

Gustav straightened his vest when Jester released him. "Not  _ here _ , no… He wasn't really himself tonight, so i told him to stay home. He's been helping me and Yorda wait tables here for the past week or so."

"Not himself?" Caleb was instantly on high alert. "What's… What's the matter with him? Is he alright?"

Gustav cocked his head, eyes narrowing as he tried to read the borderline frantic wizard. "He's… Just preoccupied. Troubled a bit, is all. Seems to have a lot on his mind, and he's not been sleeping so well of late. I'm sure it's nothing to fret about." He turned back to the bowls he'd placed on the table. "This one is potato. It's left from yesterday, i do hope that's not a problem…"

Caucus reached for it. "Not at all. It's actually better the second day, gives the flavors time to mingle."

Passing the bowl his way, Gustav remarked, "Old friends, and new, it would seem… I am Gustav Fletching, formerly of the Fletching and Moondrop's Traveling Carnival of Curiosities."

Caduceus took the bowl and then shook the offered hand. "Caucus Clay, formerly of the Blooming Grove in the Savalir Wood, presently of the Mighty Nein."

"A pleasure, to be sure… Any friend of theirs is a friend of mine," Gustav told the firbolg, shaking his hand with gusto. "They're good folk. I've got to get back to the kitchen, but i know Molly has been eager to see you all."

Jester gasped. "You guys, should i cast message to let Molly know we're here?"

"Please." Caleb was impatient, and growing more so by the minute. "Just… Keep it brief."

The cleric thought for a few minutes about what she wanted to say, then cast the spell. "Hi Molly, we're here at the Nestled Nook with Gustav, you should come see us! You can reply to this message… ummm… We really miss…" The spell cut off before she was able to get the last word in, and then they waited. 

***

Across town, Molly had been trying rather unsuccessfully to go to sleep. It was far too early in the evening for that, so he decided that perhaps a walk would help to tire him out and clear his head. 

The air was cool; not yet cold, but with just the slightest edge of crispness, hinting of colder autumn days not very far off. It had been some time since he'd been down in Trostenwald, since his days in Gustav's ill- fated carnival. Very little had changed, as far as he could tell. The Old Mud Hole Tavern looked just as he remembered it, though Burnished Bibelots seemed to have additional driftwood added to the exterior of the shed, possibly in an effort to reinforce the already questionable carpentry present. 

His feet led him in time down to the lakeside. The sun had set not long before, and the rich purples and scarlets of waning dusk still hung in the clouds toward the western horizon, with the first evening stars beginning to twinkle like diamond dust scattered across the velvet blue of the encroaching night above him, all of it reflected in the gentle lapping waves of the Ustaloch. Molly found a fallen tree to sit on, and watched as the color slowly seeped from the sky, until it was nearly dark, just enough light to make it back to the lit streets of town without tripping. 

He was relishing the peaceful scenery, and was just trying to decide what he wanted to do with the rest of his evening when he heard Jester's voice. 

"Hi Molly, we're here at the Nestled Nook with Gustav, you should come see us! You can reply to this message… ummm… We really miss…"

"... you," Molly finished with a chuckle, and came to his feet. He made his way back to town, and toward the Nestled Nook, nodding to a few Crownsguard he passed on the way. 

As he stood outside the door of the Nestled Nook at long last, Molly steeled himself, taking a deep breath. Caleb was on the other side of this door. He tried to identify the jittery, churning feeling in his stomach. Was he… Nervous? It seemed ridiculous to him, but then he realized exactly how much he had banking on this all going well… He was sure Caleb had feelings for him- the wizard wasn't all that hard to read, sometimes- but, what if he was wrong?

He recognized the fluttering in his stomach then; butterflies, they often called it, and in that moment, everything seemed to coalesce for him. He remembered that long-ago conversation with Caleb, about the butterflies, and realized that whatever had come before, whatever was in the past, was done and over with. Here he was in this present moment, and he owed it to himself, and to Caleb, to live this moment to its fullest. 

_ If he doesn't feel the same, then we'll be friends,  _ Molly realized.  _ Just friends… But that will be enough. Just having him in my life again- all of them… They're the family I've always wanted. I couldn't ask for more. _

Caleb's eyes were pinned to the door the entire time, and when he saw it start to swing open, he tensed. Time seemed to slow, and his breath caught in his throat until he saw the flash of purple. The coat was unmistakable, and that swagger, dear god… Caleb's mouth went dry and he was frozen in place.

Suddenly to his right, Jester cried out, "MOLLY!" and burst forth, rushing up to him and wrapping him in a strong embrace, spinning him in a circle.

Molly laughed.  _ Some things will never change, i guess,  _ he mused. "Hi, Jester… Did you miss me or something?"

"Oh, so much, Molly! We have so much to tell you about!" She set him back on his feet and gave a horrified gasp. "Oh my gosh, what was it like being DEAD?"

Molly didn't hear her words though. He'd locked eyes with Caleb, and the din of the busy tavern faded away. Caleb stood and came over to stand before the purple tiefling.

Molly gave a weak smile. "Hi, Caleb," he said softly.

“You died, Mollymauk,” Caleb whispered, his Zenmian accent coming through more thickly in his distress. “I saw you die…”

There was a strange glassiness to Caleb's eyes, a certain look of being lost, of his gaze being fixed not quite on the tiefling before him, but perhaps somewhere in the distance, in his memory. Molly brought his hands to either side of Caleb's scruffy, unshaven face, leaning in close, his own red, pupil-less eyes fixed on the ragged mage. “Yeah, I know,” he joked lightly, his thumb brushing away a tear streaking down the dirt on Caleb's cheek. “I do that sometimes… Sorry.” He planted a kiss on Caleb's forehead. "I'll try harder next time, I promise…"

Caleb lost all composure then, as a sob tore itself from his throat and he fell forward into Molly's arms.

The tiefling embraced him, almost forgetting that the others were even there, until he felt Yasha's hand fall on his shoulder. He glanced back at her, and she gave him an awkward smile. “It's… good to see you again,” she told him.

Molly laid his hand over hers for a moment, grinning. “Thanks,” he mouthed, then turned back to Caleb. “I think you should rest for the night, Caleb…”

“I'll… Bunk with the girls, tonight,” Nott said conspicuously, sharing a knowing look with Jester.

“Oh yes,” Jester agreed enthusiastically, “we can have a girls’ night, and paint our fiiingerr naaaails, and braid each other's haaaiiirrr…”

Beau rolled her eyes. “Greeeaaat, just what i wanted to do after a week on the road…”

“I don't mind hair-braiding,” Yasha offered.

Caduceus perked up. “That sounds like a LOT of fun, oh boy… I might like to join in on that for a while, if i would be welcome? Or, is it just a girl's thing?”

“Oh no, mister Clay, you would be very welcome to join us!” Jester declared, hooking her arm into his as they walked toward their rooms. “I have some red and some white paint that i think i can mix to match your hair? And we can paint your fingernails and your toenails…”

“...and braid little flowers into your hair! Uh… Mane… Or… Whatever it is that you have…” Nott scurried along behind.

Beau brought up the rear, shooting Molly a playfully tortured look. “The things i do for you,” she groaned, shaking her head and pointing sternly at him. “You owe me one…”

“Duly noted, you have my thanks,” he retorted, winking charmingly at her.

Fjord patted Caleb on the back, nodding to Molly as he passed by on his way up to his room.

Caleb pulled himself together a little, looking up at Molly. “Gods, is it really you, Molly?”

Molly inclined his head in concern, bringing a finger up under Caleb's chin to tip it up. “Look at you… All that crying and you've gone and smeared your signature layer of wizard-dirt,” he teased, pulling the handkerchief from his pocket and using it to dab at Caleb's face.

The redhead chuckled, sniffling. “Ah,  _ ja _ , definitely the real Mollymauk…” He wrapped the tiefling in a crushing embrace again. “Do you have  _ any _ idea how much i have missed you, Molly?” he whispered against his pointed ear.

“Oh, i have an idea,” Molly assured him, returning the hug, then taking Caleb by the hand. “Come on, let's come up to your room… Our room. Whatever it is…”

“Definitely OUR room,” Caleb offered, squeezing Molly's fingers in his own as he followed behind. 

Molly looked back, and the genuine smile crinkling at the corners of the wizard's sky blue eyes warmed his heart. “Oh, geez… Ah… Which… Which one of these rooms here is it, then?”

Caleb fished the key out of his pocket with his free hand, fitting it into the lock and turning it. Molly surprised him just then by scooping Caleb up into his arms. “Isn't this how it's supposed to be done?” he asked with a laugh as he pushed the door open with his shoulder, carrying Caleb across the threshold, and kicking the door closed behind them.

Caleb grabbed Molly's face then, pressing his lips against Molly's in a desperate and hungry kiss… One which had been a long time coming, and which, once the initial shock wore off, Molly returned eagerly. He stumbled backward the few steps until his back was against the door, and he let Caleb slide down him to stand on his own. Caleb held the tiefling's face in his hands, pulling back from the kiss and pressing his forehead against Molly's. “I love you, Mollymauk Tealeaf,” Caleb confessed.

“I know,” was all that Molly could manage in return.

“I… I thought i would never get to tell you that,” he said, his voice cracking in his throat.

“I'm glad you did… Did you doubt, even for a moment, that i already knew that?” Molly asked, pulling back to look Caleb in the eye.

“I doubt everything, Molly,” Caleb admitted, casting his gaze aside shamefully. “I doubt my own sanity, much of the time. I doubt if you are really standing before me now, or if i have just fully had a breakdown and am delusional at this moment, talking to a door, alone in my room…”

Molly felt tears well in his eyes. “Then let me alleviate you of those doubts tonight.” He pulled Caleb to him in an embrace that seemed to cradle the wizard's very soul, holding him there for a long time, until the tears came again in Caleb, and then until he felt the sobs slowly subside. “Come lay with me,” he urged, slipping out of the embrace and pulling Caleb toward the bed.

Caleb hung back, hesitant. “Ah… It's… Despite everything, and the way that i do feel about you, it's been a very long time since…” His words trailed off, embarrassed.

“Caleb… I asked you to come lay with me. And while it's true i would very much like to fuck you silly, i also care enough about you to bide my time.” He reached forward and tucked an errant strand of hair behind Caleb's ear. “I can be patient. It's all at your pace, darling. Tonight, tomorrow, a year from now, or never… I won't rush you into anything you're not ready for, alright?” Caleb nodded slightly. “Will you come lay with me, though? I would love to hold you some more, and even just talk with you. I have missed you so…”

“That… Sounds like heaven,” Caleb whispered, following along at Molly's leading, kicking off his shoes and crawling into the bed, Molly right behind him, pulling the blanket up over them both and sliding his arm under Caleb's head.

The wizard rest his head against Molly's shoulder, curling against him, breathing in his scent as Molly's arms came around him. “I can't tell you how I've longed for this,” Molly murmured against the top of Caleb's head, nuzzling him sweetly.

“Really and truly?” Caleb asked. “Only this much?”

Molly gave an airy, bemused snort. “Anything at all with you, darling. To touch you, to feel your body pressed up against mine… To talk with you. Just to talk. Just to be with you… If you never wanted to do anything more than this, I would be satisfied…"

"Would you though, Molly?" Caleb was skeptical. "I have seen your sexual appetites and they're… Perhaps 'ravenous' would be the right term?"

"Ouch," Molly chuckled. "Alright, you have me there… I can't really help if I have a high libido."

Caleb chewed his lip. "You couldn't be happy with me, Molly…"

Molly looked sharply down at Caleb. "Because you're not interested in sex? Nonsense… You make me plenty happy… I would just have to get those needs met in other ways, is all… The Moon Weaver isn't the goddess of secret trysts for nothing!"

"You suggest… Polyamory?"

Molly shrugged. "I'm open to discuss it… It's just a thought. I can love you without having sex with you, and i can have sex with other people without loving them… Who knows, maybe we'll end up as a triad with somebody… Caleb, are you ok?"

Caleb was crying again next to him. "Do you really mean that?"

"About the triad? No, not If you don't want it…"

"No, no… I meant, about the… About you loving me?"

Molly kissed Caleb on the head again, and snuggled him close. "Caleb, i have loved you nearly since i laid eyes on you… It's only grown more since then. And… I'm sorry i didn't make that clear to you sooner. It was unfair of me…" Molly gave a heavy sigh. "I've been thinking a lot, these past few weeks or so. I don't want to live a life of regrets. I don't regret my past, any of the things I've done, or that i might have done as someone else, that i might never know about… But i don't want to live with regrets now, either."

"Everything is so fleeting," Caleb murmured into Molly's silken hair. "I was so afraid it was not you… And even now, I'm afraid of losing you again, Molly."

Molly buried his nose in Caleb's hair, breathing in his scent. "All we have is this moment," he whispered. "Just this single stolen moment together. None of us are promised anything more. We are butterflies, all of us- here today, shining in all our splendour, and gone tomorrow… But today… Tonight… Just for this moment… This is all we have. Just be here with me, Caleb. Just be here with me now."

Caleb's breathing slowed, the hitching tremor of tears fading as a certain stillness came over him. Molly's words settled into his brain, his heart, his very soul, and in that moment he was at peace. He knew that whatever came next, it was going to be ok. He had strength enough for this moment, to get him through. Tomorrow's troubles would have to be dealt with using tomorrow's strength. " _ Ja _ ," he murmured against the lavender tiefling's chest. " _ Ja _ … I'll be here with you now, Molly…"

**Author's Note:**

> It took me almost two years to write this... it was originally meant as coping fic, to help ME process Molly's death through Caleb (because let's face it, i was super fucked up over that) but also i really felt there was precedent for him to maybe not actually be dead. Of course Taliesin is playing Caduceus now so there's not really a chance of them exploring that in-game, but i hate things being left unresolved, so yeah.


End file.
